the butterflies have gone

everything seems to be so messed up. [everything keeps messing up]
things just keep happening! and everytime something adds to my load, i just wonder when the wind is going to change. at which point do things start to get better? i'm so sick of everyone telling me that you can't expect life to start making you happy, you have to do it yourself.
the part i don't get is, what am i doing wrong? working too much? if i don't work as much as i do i won't be able to pay my bills. too much school? hardly. i mean, i'm proud of myself because i dont' rely on anyone to make me happy. not a boy, not a friend-nobody but myself. i know that if i can't be happy with myself i can't be happy at all.
i thought i was happy with myself. am i not?
what's going on in your head is half the battle.

i'm not sure what to do with myself. the way it's looking right now, i'm just going to work all the time, nonstop until i leave for KU. i don't want that to be all there is.
i mean, of course, there IS cali in may, but at the same time it's like i know that during that time i'm going to be in a completely different world, and when i come home it's just going to feel like a dream. i'm not looking forward to that part. [i'm not going to want to come back]

my life could not function properly without stress. i hate it when people tell me to relax because, it's like i don't even know how to do that. [it's almost like i don't want to]
i can see myself going into cardiac arrest, or just dying young. it's scary to think about, [but idk what the hell to do about it]

how are you? fine.
fine? who's fine anymore? everyone, apparently. i'm not fine. i haven't been fine for a long time. i'm not so sure i ever was fine, but i am certain i will never be fine again. [i'll tell you what i want]
i want to be happy. how many people can honestly say they're happy!? nobody that i know.
it makes me want to cry that i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i don't even know what makes me happy because i'm not happy. i don't feel butterfllies anymore.

i have so much i want to say...