everything seems to be so messed up. [everything keeps messing up]
things just keep happening! and everytime something adds to my load, i just wonder when the wind is going to change. at which point do things start to get better? i'm so sick of everyone telling me that you can't expect life to start making you happy, you have to do it yourself.
the part i don't get is, what am i doing wrong? working too much? if i don't work as much as i do i won't be able to pay my bills. too much school? hardly. i mean, i'm proud of myself because i dont' rely on anyone to make me happy. not a boy, not a friend-nobody but myself. i know that if i can't be happy with myself i can't be happy at all.
i thought i was happy with myself. am i not?
what's going on in your head is half the battle.
i'm not sure what to do with myself. the way it's looking right now, i'm just going to work all the time, nonstop until i leave for KU. i don't want that to be all there is.
i mean, of course, there IS cali in may, but at the same time it's like i know that during that time i'm going to be in a completely different world, and when i come home it's just going to feel like a dream. i'm not looking forward to that part. [i'm not going to want to come back]
my life could not function properly without stress. i hate it when people tell me to relax because, it's like i don't even know how to do that. [it's almost like i don't want to]
i can see myself going into cardiac arrest, or just dying young. it's scary to think about, [but idk what the hell to do about it]
how are you? fine.
fine? who's fine anymore? everyone, apparently. i'm not fine. i haven't been fine for a long time. i'm not so sure i ever was fine, but i am certain i will never be fine again. [i'll tell you what i want]
i want to be happy. how many people can honestly say they're happy!? nobody that i know.
it makes me want to cry that i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i don't even know what makes me happy because i'm not happy. i don't feel butterfllies anymore.
i have so much i want to say...
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Humans are never happy with themselves. From a psychological standpoint, you will need the friends and "boys" to help you stay happy. Humans dig that shit. But I've been criticized for being too scientifically analytical on things like happiness and love, so maybe my advice isn't the best. Being busy with school and work makes it hard to have the very active social life that makes humans happy, so I think that might be the stem of your problem. But you can't live without them. Which is why over 33% of college students are depressed.
Sometimes what you need to do with yourself is the thing you've thought about the most. The best solutions are the simplest. So, just think of something you have wanted to do, and do it. If it exists. If not, this paragraph is useless.
And I can totally relate to not being able to function without stress. I didn't have a job this summer, and I went nuts with all the "free time."
Being fine isn't that bad. Try it out. :)
Happiness is what you make it. High goals are, sadly, cruise control for disappointment. Let little things make you - and keep you - happy.
The weather is getting better.
The sun is coming out.
The days are getting longer.
You have friends who care.
Whether you realize it or not.
You'll live to see tomorrow, and aren't in a sickbed.
These are things that personally make me happy. Try to find some little things day to day that make your life good and worth living. Positivity makes all the difference.
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