the road less traveled

i feel so helpless.

i'm falling in love.
with someone i can't even be with.
because he's moving [eventually] to somewhere bigger and bettter [and i'm too scared to tell him i'd go with him].
i can't even tell him because i'm too scared. i wish i knew what was going on inside his head. i wish i could decode everything he says and the glances sent my way.
i wish life made sense right now.


have you ever been scared of how scared of something you are?
i'm so scared of being alone. so scared that it scares me how scared i am.
i always have these thoughts running through my head about how nobody will ever feel about me the way i've always wanted someone to feel about me. that they'll never give me that look or never make me feel that certain way. and is ending up with the wrong person worse than ending up with no one at all?
i'm just so sick of feeling lonely. no matter where i go and no matter what i do something always seems to stare me right in the face and remind me of how alone i am.
Maybe God is trying to tell me something right now and i just have so much going on in my head that i can't even figure it out. that happens alot, it seems.


everything is so cluttered right now.
and i don't mean my room. i mean my head. not just my head-my heart. there's a fog that can't be lifted without questions being answered [which will probably mean that tears will be shed].
there are just a few things i really want to know. the thing is, i'm too scared to ask them.

if i didn't have so much crap i'd be tempted ro run away.
but what would i be running from? and the worst part is that i don't think anyone would miss me.

when i look at what i write i feel like i come across as such a pessimistic person, when really i'm quite optimistic. i just insecure. and that's nobody's fault but my own...

the difference between "you're" and "your"

i have noticed that lately i am nothing but impatient.
for instance, anytime i am having a discussion with someone and they don't understand what i'm saying or i feel insulted slightly by something they have said in reaction to not understanding, i get really hurt and defensive, and annoyed. i get so frustrated when that person doesn't seem to be on my level of thinking.
also, grammatical and spelling errors have been particularly frustrating me lately. why can a common, educated person not understand the difference between "you're" and "your"? i learned that in second grade!

i'm testy too. jumpy, defensive even.

something is going on inside of my head and i'm not sure what it is right now.
i wish it would stop. i wish it would leave me alone and let me just be.

my migraines are getting worse and more frequent. excedrin isn't doing the trick, either.

i leave for cali on sunday at 4 a.m. from topeka to the airport, and the airport at 8:40.
i'm so excited to get out of here, even if it's only for 9 days. i'm just scared i won't want to come back [who would?] or that i'll get back and think it was all a dream.

things with phil seem to be getting more complicated. the more time that passes, the more i think that i can just keep seeing him whenever and not be attached, and just let it be whatever it is that it is. but then he went to new york city a couple weekends ago, and of course i just figured it was like any other one of his jet sets. but one day on my facebook newsfeed i noticed that he had been tagged in some pictures and they turned out to be from his trip [added by one of his friends he visited, some girl named kelli]. when i got to one of him and a buddy and a girl which he had his arm around, and there was caption saying something about a bit of love. my heart completely sank, and shattered into a million little pieces. immediately i tried coming up with ideas of why they would be pictured like that. she wasn't even cute. not that i am, but obviously he thinks so. finally i came to the conclusion that she's obviously there and he's obviously here and i very highly doubt that anything even happened and to bring it up in a discussion would make me appear to be crazy. plus, no matter what-i'm the one he's involved with. so at least i have that.

i want out of here. i'm so frustrated i can't even logically put my thoughts into words.