i feel so helpless.
i'm falling in love.
with someone i can't even be with.
because he's moving [eventually] to somewhere bigger and bettter [and i'm too scared to tell him i'd go with him].
i can't even tell him because i'm too scared. i wish i knew what was going on inside his head. i wish i could decode everything he says and the glances sent my way.
i wish life made sense right now.
have you ever been scared of how scared of something you are?
i'm so scared of being alone. so scared that it scares me how scared i am.
i always have these thoughts running through my head about how nobody will ever feel about me the way i've always wanted someone to feel about me. that they'll never give me that look or never make me feel that certain way. and is ending up with the wrong person worse than ending up with no one at all?
i'm just so sick of feeling lonely. no matter where i go and no matter what i do something always seems to stare me right in the face and remind me of how alone i am.
Maybe God is trying to tell me something right now and i just have so much going on in my head that i can't even figure it out. that happens alot, it seems.
everything is so cluttered right now.
and i don't mean my room. i mean my head. not just my head-my heart. there's a fog that can't be lifted without questions being answered [which will probably mean that tears will be shed].
there are just a few things i really want to know. the thing is, i'm too scared to ask them.
if i didn't have so much crap i'd be tempted ro run away.
but what would i be running from? and the worst part is that i don't think anyone would miss me.
when i look at what i write i feel like i come across as such a pessimistic person, when really i'm quite optimistic. i just insecure. and that's nobody's fault but my own...
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2 comments:
Life never makes sense, in scientific or philosophic terms. You just have to take what you can get and roll with it. And, like Andrew W.K. says - "Don't be waiting for luck, find a way to do more!"
Don't be scared. Life will not throw something at you that you cannot overcome. I am infinitely more 'lonely' than you, I don't really want to hear it. I haven't been in a relationship in over a year. Or had anyone too terribly interested in me. Least you got Phils and such.
You don't know how bad I sat in the rain last night, staring down the road, just wanting to get in my car and see where it'd take me. Leave all my stuff behind, and just drive - until my money ran out. But I didn't, and it's the smart choice. And yes, people would miss you. Don't sell yourself short.
Girls are just insecure. Don't let it go to your head. You're far more spectacular than you realize. Honest.
Who could ever forget you?
I couln't.
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