everything seems to be so messed up. [everything keeps messing up]
things just keep happening! and everytime something adds to my load, i just wonder when the wind is going to change. at which point do things start to get better? i'm so sick of everyone telling me that you can't expect life to start making you happy, you have to do it yourself.
the part i don't get is, what am i doing wrong? working too much? if i don't work as much as i do i won't be able to pay my bills. too much school? hardly. i mean, i'm proud of myself because i dont' rely on anyone to make me happy. not a boy, not a friend-nobody but myself. i know that if i can't be happy with myself i can't be happy at all.
i thought i was happy with myself. am i not?
what's going on in your head is half the battle.
i'm not sure what to do with myself. the way it's looking right now, i'm just going to work all the time, nonstop until i leave for KU. i don't want that to be all there is.
i mean, of course, there IS cali in may, but at the same time it's like i know that during that time i'm going to be in a completely different world, and when i come home it's just going to feel like a dream. i'm not looking forward to that part. [i'm not going to want to come back]
my life could not function properly without stress. i hate it when people tell me to relax because, it's like i don't even know how to do that. [it's almost like i don't want to]
i can see myself going into cardiac arrest, or just dying young. it's scary to think about, [but idk what the hell to do about it]
how are you? fine.
fine? who's fine anymore? everyone, apparently. i'm not fine. i haven't been fine for a long time. i'm not so sure i ever was fine, but i am certain i will never be fine again. [i'll tell you what i want]
i want to be happy. how many people can honestly say they're happy!? nobody that i know.
it makes me want to cry that i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i don't even know what makes me happy because i'm not happy. i don't feel butterfllies anymore.
i have so much i want to say...
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
i'm not okay with this.
"you've got to love yourself if you could ever love me."
i think i love myself. i have always been someone who has been proud of who they are, and lives a life of no regrets. by no means do i think i am perfect, and i often do things i shouldn't have. but i concentrate on making my life better every second of every day, and i do what i have to do to get there.
as much as i want to say that "I'm so sick of guys," it's almost a lie. it's not that i'm sick of all guys in general, but i am very sick of the way i have been treated by them lately-at least in terms of anything beyond a friend. i'm sick of feeling used, i'm sick of being led on, and i'm sick of the lack of commitment. i just don't understand guys. i wish i did, but at the same time; the mystery fascinates me. i just wish that each guy came with a How-To Guide, since every guy is different [yet, exactly the same]. the guide would tell you what is too much, and what isn't enough. it would tell you what he really means when he says _____________. it will tell you if he's really interested in you, and list his intentions. it would show you his past relationships [with minor details on why they ended].
i've been single for over a year now, and parts of me want to stay just that way. for instance, when i go to california in may, i want to be single, because i want to have fun without feeling guilty or committed to anyone.
however...it's getting harder and harder.
it's hard to see [happy] couples everywhere i turn. it's hard to look at two people as they look at each other and know that they're in love. it's hard when you can tell a couple has been together for a long time and yet they're still as happy as they were when they met. it's hard to know all my friends have someone, and it's hard knowing i'm being ditched for them. it's hard to think about how i could be married to someone i never wanted to be with right now. it's hard not to want this. it's hard to be okay with the fact that i don't have anyone to cuddle up to at night. it's hard knowing that someone doesn't like me quite the same way i like them [and if they do, they're just not committed enough to take things any further which ends up in me feeling used by them]. it's hard knowing that nobody wants you.
i don't want to rush anything. it's just that when i see this, i get this feeling deep in my gut that tells me i'm so ready for this. not to rush to those points, but to start whatever it is i have to start to get to that point. i'm so ready to meet the person i'm going to be with for ever after so that we can begin our fairy tale together.
hey boys! can someone please tell me what happened to this guy[?]: the one who texts me just because he's thinking about me? the one who brings you flowers on the first date even though we say you shouldn't have [because you really shouldn't have-it's just nice to know you did anyways]? the one who picks you up for the first date, already has the evening planned, and kisses your cheek before he kisses your lips? and kisses you goodnight instead of trying to get into your pants? the guy who texts you as soon as he drops you off to tell you how wonderful of an evening you had together? the one who can't stop calling you beautiful and staring into your eyes, not because it's what we want to hear, but because they really mean it? the one who can't keep his hands off of you in public [even around his friends]? what happened to the chase? the part where the guy is actually trying to get the girl instead of expecting or assuming he already has her? i would go on, but i know you can only answer so much at once.
i wish i knew what i wanted. i wish God would just decide what i needed and present it to me in a way of me knowing that it's what i need, and therefor make it waht i want.
it's sad that i'm sick of life right now. it's just so complicated and busy and chaotic that it makes me want to snooze through it.
i feel like this entire entry has been me complaining. whining, even. but i guess you gotta do what you gotta do. right?
<33
love, me
i think i love myself. i have always been someone who has been proud of who they are, and lives a life of no regrets. by no means do i think i am perfect, and i often do things i shouldn't have. but i concentrate on making my life better every second of every day, and i do what i have to do to get there.
as much as i want to say that "I'm so sick of guys," it's almost a lie. it's not that i'm sick of all guys in general, but i am very sick of the way i have been treated by them lately-at least in terms of anything beyond a friend. i'm sick of feeling used, i'm sick of being led on, and i'm sick of the lack of commitment. i just don't understand guys. i wish i did, but at the same time; the mystery fascinates me. i just wish that each guy came with a How-To Guide, since every guy is different [yet, exactly the same]. the guide would tell you what is too much, and what isn't enough. it would tell you what he really means when he says _____________. it will tell you if he's really interested in you, and list his intentions. it would show you his past relationships [with minor details on why they ended].
i've been single for over a year now, and parts of me want to stay just that way. for instance, when i go to california in may, i want to be single, because i want to have fun without feeling guilty or committed to anyone.
however...it's getting harder and harder.
it's hard to see [happy] couples everywhere i turn. it's hard to look at two people as they look at each other and know that they're in love. it's hard when you can tell a couple has been together for a long time and yet they're still as happy as they were when they met. it's hard to know all my friends have someone, and it's hard knowing i'm being ditched for them. it's hard to think about how i could be married to someone i never wanted to be with right now. it's hard not to want this. it's hard to be okay with the fact that i don't have anyone to cuddle up to at night. it's hard knowing that someone doesn't like me quite the same way i like them [and if they do, they're just not committed enough to take things any further which ends up in me feeling used by them]. it's hard knowing that nobody wants you.
i don't want to rush anything. it's just that when i see this, i get this feeling deep in my gut that tells me i'm so ready for this. not to rush to those points, but to start whatever it is i have to start to get to that point. i'm so ready to meet the person i'm going to be with for ever after so that we can begin our fairy tale together.
hey boys! can someone please tell me what happened to this guy[?]: the one who texts me just because he's thinking about me? the one who brings you flowers on the first date even though we say you shouldn't have [because you really shouldn't have-it's just nice to know you did anyways]? the one who picks you up for the first date, already has the evening planned, and kisses your cheek before he kisses your lips? and kisses you goodnight instead of trying to get into your pants? the guy who texts you as soon as he drops you off to tell you how wonderful of an evening you had together? the one who can't stop calling you beautiful and staring into your eyes, not because it's what we want to hear, but because they really mean it? the one who can't keep his hands off of you in public [even around his friends]? what happened to the chase? the part where the guy is actually trying to get the girl instead of expecting or assuming he already has her? i would go on, but i know you can only answer so much at once.
i wish i knew what i wanted. i wish God would just decide what i needed and present it to me in a way of me knowing that it's what i need, and therefor make it waht i want.
it's sad that i'm sick of life right now. it's just so complicated and busy and chaotic that it makes me want to snooze through it.
i feel like this entire entry has been me complaining. whining, even. but i guess you gotta do what you gotta do. right?
<33
love, me
Sunday, March 23, 2008
tell me what you think about being honest with yourself...
i'll be your next excuse for losing sleep
...........again.
<3
love, me.
...........again.
<3
love, me.
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