i know that nobody probably gives a shit about what i have to say, but i'm going to say it anyway.

i HATE living in this house. they don't get it. they don't get that i leave every chance i get to avoid their little talks and heart to hearts because everyone is SO blind to what they see as the most important things in life.

i feel like i'm suffocating here. i can't escape it. i can't lock them out. i can NOT wait to be on my own again. i need the freedom and independence i've grown dependent on. i'd move out today if i could.

sometimes, as odd as it is, i feel like the only person that understands this is my dad, but then half the time i feel like he's joining forces with my brother to ruin my life and constantly make me feel like shit about myself.

and people seriously wonder why i'm so fucked up.

new blog.

http://chelseamay.tumblr.com/

i always i forget i have this one because i use the tumblr now. i'll try to post on both but you'd get more updates/posts from me on tumblr =]

just a day in the life...

Slumdog Millionaire is, by far, the best movie I have ever seen.

I highly recommend you see it.

work has stressed me out lately.

i need to find a good doctor.

i can't get through a day without coffee or energy drinks.

i'm making a postsecret video as one of my new year's resolutions, and i'm scared as hell to post it.

sometimes i'm scared that switching my majors was a bad idea because i'm afraid nobody will hire me.

my eye twitched for 5 consecutive days due to lack of sleep and stress.

whenever i'm put on the spot for what's going on in my life, i sort of go blank. i always have enough to stress me out, keep me up at night, and pray to God that He'll help me get through each and every day.

i have a lot to be thankful for. in general i'm very happy right now. but i still hate when people ask, "how are you?" because i can't lie. =/

i really like naps. everytime i know i'm going to be worse off than i was before the nap, but as long as i have time, i always give in.

i need to motivate myself to read for class.

as soon as i pay off my credit cards, i'm buying a legit camera. i hate that income has to determine whether or not you can pursue things you love to do.

and i LOVE pictures like these:

and this one really makes me want to find someone to grow old with:

I think it's just a heart thing.

I've had a few things on my heart lately I've been wanting to share.

Have you ever noticed that absolutely nothing is coincidence? I think in many ways I've understood this my entire life, but it never really set in until this past week.
I began thinking about all of the little things that God does for us, and how easily they are overlooked. Too often do we take them with a grain of salt because as humans we expect that we deserve those little bits of goodness and happiness in our lives. The truth is, however, we deserve nothing. Everything we have is a blessing and gift from God. Without Him, we'd be nothing and we'd have nothing.

I posted a video earlier this week for Brandon Heath's song, "Give Me Your Eyes." This song has really spoken to me lately. Part of this, I think, is that when I'm driving to campus in the morning I tend to see a lot of homeless people. More often than not, I'm scared. If i'm stopped at a stoplight I'll tend to make sure my doors are locked. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I've just always sort of been scared of homeless people. What's weird about this, though, is that I've always had this desire to do street outreach in big cities. Like Chicago, Boston, New York City, and L.A. But this song made me stop and think, "These people have lives, stories, families. And no matter what their circumstance, God loves them just as much as He loves me." It's been very encouraging this week as I've challenged myself to try to see the world through God's eyes.

Another song that I've heard a thousand times, is "Gone," by Switchfoot. The meaning never really set in until I was driving to Real Time on Thursday. And it just made so much sense. No matter how much we want, need, or have of material goods, they're going to be gone eventually. Everything diminishes. And it just brought me back to Economics. Supply and Demand. Diminishing Utility.
And then we have God. The one thing that's always there, that never fades, that never diminishes. He will be there for us no matter what, and when we turn our backs on Him, He will still be waiting with arms wide open.

for the first time in my life...i'm truly alone

and it's exhilarating.

after a very eventful [mostly in the negative fashion] final week in Kansas, i became a resident of Nebraska on Saturday, August 16, and moved in for good this past Tuesday. My mom had been staying with me and helping me move in since Wednesday and left about an hour ago.

part of me wanted to say "left [finally]" but honestly, i didn't mind having her here. I mean, i was definitely ready to be alone, but i think for the first time in my entire live [or at least since the teenage years began] my mother and i were able to not only tolerate each other, but enjoyed one another's company. and that felt nice.

i live on the third floor in my very own apartment on the East side of Lincoln, NE. I like it quite the bit, if i do say so myself. It's coming together bit by bit. I have food in my cupboards and pictures on my walls. Clothes in my closet and a couch in my living room. There's still a list of things I need but for right now-I can do without.

I'm worried about my financial aid. rent is due again by september 5th and I need my loan money by then or i'm doooomed. seriously. plus there's the whole not having a job yet thing and not having any money. things are becoming due. i applied at chili's today but won't hear back for about a week. i want to apply at some bars downtown but i'm not sure where to start.

i got robbed last week. last saturday at bullfrogs live selling shots. i was wearing a purple dress and black boots, and he stole more than my money. he stole my security. i'm scared to be alone now. i'm scared of being alone especially in public, and at night. as someone to my left was pulling a shot off of my tray, someone to my right reached in, grabbed my cup of money, and ran away. i cried. i was so frustrated and scared and confused. he had no idea how much more i needed than money than he did.

the thing that makes me sad about blogspot is that nobody ever reads my posts. sometimes it's a nice thought while i'm writing whatever i'm feeling at the time, but in reality-it'd be nice if someone cared what i had to say. after all that's why i write in the first place-is so that someone will [want to] read what i'm writing.

the road less traveled

i feel so helpless.

i'm falling in love.
with someone i can't even be with.
because he's moving [eventually] to somewhere bigger and bettter [and i'm too scared to tell him i'd go with him].
i can't even tell him because i'm too scared. i wish i knew what was going on inside his head. i wish i could decode everything he says and the glances sent my way.
i wish life made sense right now.


have you ever been scared of how scared of something you are?
i'm so scared of being alone. so scared that it scares me how scared i am.
i always have these thoughts running through my head about how nobody will ever feel about me the way i've always wanted someone to feel about me. that they'll never give me that look or never make me feel that certain way. and is ending up with the wrong person worse than ending up with no one at all?
i'm just so sick of feeling lonely. no matter where i go and no matter what i do something always seems to stare me right in the face and remind me of how alone i am.
Maybe God is trying to tell me something right now and i just have so much going on in my head that i can't even figure it out. that happens alot, it seems.


everything is so cluttered right now.
and i don't mean my room. i mean my head. not just my head-my heart. there's a fog that can't be lifted without questions being answered [which will probably mean that tears will be shed].
there are just a few things i really want to know. the thing is, i'm too scared to ask them.

if i didn't have so much crap i'd be tempted ro run away.
but what would i be running from? and the worst part is that i don't think anyone would miss me.

when i look at what i write i feel like i come across as such a pessimistic person, when really i'm quite optimistic. i just insecure. and that's nobody's fault but my own...

the difference between "you're" and "your"

i have noticed that lately i am nothing but impatient.
for instance, anytime i am having a discussion with someone and they don't understand what i'm saying or i feel insulted slightly by something they have said in reaction to not understanding, i get really hurt and defensive, and annoyed. i get so frustrated when that person doesn't seem to be on my level of thinking.
also, grammatical and spelling errors have been particularly frustrating me lately. why can a common, educated person not understand the difference between "you're" and "your"? i learned that in second grade!

i'm testy too. jumpy, defensive even.

something is going on inside of my head and i'm not sure what it is right now.
i wish it would stop. i wish it would leave me alone and let me just be.

my migraines are getting worse and more frequent. excedrin isn't doing the trick, either.

i leave for cali on sunday at 4 a.m. from topeka to the airport, and the airport at 8:40.
i'm so excited to get out of here, even if it's only for 9 days. i'm just scared i won't want to come back [who would?] or that i'll get back and think it was all a dream.

things with phil seem to be getting more complicated. the more time that passes, the more i think that i can just keep seeing him whenever and not be attached, and just let it be whatever it is that it is. but then he went to new york city a couple weekends ago, and of course i just figured it was like any other one of his jet sets. but one day on my facebook newsfeed i noticed that he had been tagged in some pictures and they turned out to be from his trip [added by one of his friends he visited, some girl named kelli]. when i got to one of him and a buddy and a girl which he had his arm around, and there was caption saying something about a bit of love. my heart completely sank, and shattered into a million little pieces. immediately i tried coming up with ideas of why they would be pictured like that. she wasn't even cute. not that i am, but obviously he thinks so. finally i came to the conclusion that she's obviously there and he's obviously here and i very highly doubt that anything even happened and to bring it up in a discussion would make me appear to be crazy. plus, no matter what-i'm the one he's involved with. so at least i have that.

i want out of here. i'm so frustrated i can't even logically put my thoughts into words.